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Words by Bark

writing by Hfeather53


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Submitted on
September 28, 2012
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Stories

Green pills, yellow pills, white pills. I wonder if they color code the pills to match the malady, green to soothe, yellow to wake, white to purify evil thoughts, black like ravens who peck and caw, Jezebel's bones, sodden red tulips, dogs lapping, tongues so black, black holes that like eating novas and girls like me that just happen to see the testifying of bricks. "Here someone was murdered", fickle neurons, scandalized hieroglyphs of blood, constellations of wolves such bloody tongued dogs.

"Open," the nurse says checking to see if I have swallowed her pills. I always do hoping such sacred behavior will loosen me of this place. If I promise to believe everything they say? But Nurse Mary is quite contrary, maiden's breath grows in her garden, clouds of crushed stems, pollen and powder. Maybe she sees the wolf. My flamingoes feel the unease of rhyming couplets and badly played croquet. What would Alice do? What would the Duchess do? What happened to Jack and Jill after they smashed their fragile skulls. Did they come here wearing buckets on their heads, water and moss, tendrils so tender you want to lick them.

Sometimes I wonder why do I want to leave. There are no restraints now just nurses tap dancing, words of soft arpeggios. "Now that one there." I count their footsteps like counting sheep until the sleeping pills pull me into a room where I chat with Bluebeard's wives. But there are no dreams there except the occasional dropped head. But that is dandy fine since life wears sheep's clothing and I have already counted the bites. Maybe I have won. I lap the blood, gritty dirt and lichen from Jack and Jill's skin, so tender. They shiver like flamingoes before they see the hard wooden ball. So many stories. I just don't know mine.
A flash fiction of pill and flamingos [link] This is a link to my reading the poem
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:iconpastmisfortunes:
Vision: I think you seemed to know what you were trying to say for the most part, but there were a couple areas that were a bit vague and unclear. As I tell writers, if something sounds forced or doesn't really make sense, then the writer didn't have a clear picture of what s/he was talking about or didn't express it well enough.

Originality: This had to do with mental illness, so unfortunately I couldn't give full credit for that. It also had bits from nursery rhymes, which I've seen in some writings, but you put both of these things into one story and made it something entirely new. Kudos to you on that.

Technique: This was amazing, if we're talking about your writing. However, there were a few mistakes in punctuation and grammar that made it a little confusing.

Impact: The story was gorgeous. Creative in a beautifully macabre and haunting way, it was enough to get my attention from just the little snippet I saw of it on my deviantWATCH alert. It's a great piece with spectacular imagery and imagination that will go on my favorites if not there yet.
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:iconsigyn-wolf:
Sigyn-Wolf Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm.....oh my God....I'm SPEECHLESS!!!! AMAZING!!! WOW!!! SO TALENTED!! LET ME LOVE YOU!!!!
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:iconswansisters:
swansisters Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! And you may love me and my writing. :floating:
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:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Professional Writer
Excellent writing, excellent reading!
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:iconswansisters:
swansisters Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I love to read, did slams, readings and an one woman show at the Climate in San Francisco and always felt wondrously happy afterwards.
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:iconthetaoofchaos:
thetaoofchaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
Goodness gracious! A menagerie of psychotropic-colored hieroglyphs are wreathed around your storytellers. I could read you all day long.
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:iconswansisters:
swansisters Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
<3
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:iconthetaoofchaos:
thetaoofchaos Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013   Writer
I thought I had faved this!
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:iconswansisters:
swansisters Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am very happy that you faved it now :hug:
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:iconthetaoofchaos:
thetaoofchaos Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013   Writer
:heart:
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:iconfinishyourtea:
finishyourtea Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Student Writer
This is brilliant. It's so vivid and imaginative.
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